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Haven Help Us
Is your home a haven? Take the survey
By Betsy Bergquist, Imago Therapist
As
some of my regular readers know, I am a big fan of Pat Love's book The Truth About Love (available at online booksellers and
many bookstore). It's full of useful and practical perspective,
information, and ideas about how to get and stay connected in
relationships on a daily basis. She makes masterful and extensive
use of examples, scenarios, lists, and surveys to make the abstract
concrete
In a section on creating a safe home for a relationship, she notes that everyone wants to come home to and live in a setting that is physically and emotionally designed to meet one's needs - a haven.
Home is the context for the rest of our lives, especially our relationship with our partner. In a committed relationship, where we share this haven with a partner, though, there is the ever-present question: "Who's responsible for making this happen?"
To help clarify and address this question, she provides this self-survey of one's current attitudes, feelings, actions, and opinions concerning our home - all of which may contribute to one's current level of satisfaction or dissatisfaction around "home."
As you may note in taking the survey, it is designed to help you uncover your "domestic agreements" - spoken or unspoken - about the place where you and you relationship live.
Read each sentence and circle the number that best describes your answer. (You may want to print this out.) For scoring, read what follows the survey.
1. My attitude sometimes makes our home uncomfortable.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
2. Right now our home is in need of some serious attention.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
3. It's difficult for me to completely relax at home.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
4. Our home looks better than it feels.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
5. Our busy work schedules negatively affect the atmosphere of our home.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
6. More often than not, I am totally exhausted when I get home after work.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
7. Our home does not reflect my taste.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
8. Our home does not meet my needs.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
9. When it comes to keeping up with our home, I feel like I am always behind.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
10. What our home looks like is not of great concern to me.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
11. The biggest problem with our home is not being there enough.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
12. I think our home is just fine the way it is.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
13. I always feel good when I walk into our home.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
14. I feel appreciated at home.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
15. I feel safe at our home.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
16. I like the location of our home.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
17. I think our home is very welcoming to others.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
18. Our home is private enough for me.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
19. I feel respected at home.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
20. I think my expectations of our home are realistic.
Disagree Somewhat Agree Agree
1 2 3 4 5 6
As for scoring, Pat notes that these questions are best used for discussion or reflection. For readers who know the couple's dialogue, don't forget to use the dialogue process for mirroring, validation, and empathy in this "discussion" or "reflection." Great practice!
Use the questions to explore the underlying "domestic agreements" you may either consciously or unconsciously have around them.
Your scores do not measure anything specific. However, depending on how you interpreted the questions, a high score on questions 1-10 might indicate that your home is not now a haven for you; a high score on questions 11-20 might indicate that your home is now a haven for you.
A separate, excellent question not addressed in this exercise is very often, "Where do we find the time in our already full schedule to make our home a true haven?!"
I will have more to say about that in a forthcoming article.
- Imago Couples Workshop: "Getting the Love You Want." ~ Register for this workshop.
- One Day "Saturday" workshops for singles & couples
- One Day follow-up workshops for Imago graduates
- Evening Teleclass