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Hello Friends,
We woke this morning to our first taste of winter, a cover of white, not
enough for us to put the skis on, but still a preview of what's to come. We
love cross-country skiing and have the advantage of acres and acres of
fields just behind our townhouse and thus look forward to taking advantage
of every day when snow conditions are right.
Having just finished another most gratifying couples workshop
presentation last weekend in Seattle, we are gearing up for another workshop
November 30-December 2 in our home territory in Central New Jersey. We never
tire of saying how much this work means to us and how eager we are to keep
sharing what we know with others in a format that can really change lives.
Note: important new telephone coaching thoughts and information: Are you workshop graduates who has been considering one of Betsy's follow-up coaching packages but live at a distance and have some qualms about telephone coaching rather than face-to-face sessions? If so, we urge you to read Betsy's special message below about the many benefits of using the telephone rather than coming to the office. Having recently seen how powerful and effective this method can be for many couples, she is very enthusiastic about this alternative.
Finally, at Thanksgiving time, may you all find plenty to gives thanks for in your relationships, not just with your partners but with all those around you. As we often note, we humans are indeed relational beings and find our growth and healing in the context of our connection with others. This issue's article "Got Insurance Coverage for Your Relationship?" takes the insurance underwriter's perspective on relationships and asks some important questions about how soundly protected one of life's greatest treasures may be for you in the many years we hope you have ahead.
Got Insurance Coverage for Your Relationship?
We hear plenty of talk about investing in long term care insurance, health and disability insurance, property and casualty insurance, title insurance, car insurance, fire insurance, and on and on. How about investing in relationship insurance?When we hear a pitch for why we should buy health insurance, the rationale we hear is that even though you may seem in excellent health right now you cannot know what the future will bring. Rather than take your chances, insure now in order to be protected in case something does happen.
We propose that the same perspective of prudence ought to hold for relationships.
So often couples say, "We can't believe that something that started out so beautiful could end up with us in so much pain!" Who would ever think that on their wedding day, anything other than "forever more" could happen to them?
We ourselves remember well on our wedding day absolutely "knowing", believing that we had something so unassailable, so solid, so special, that no one else could even begin to understand what that special bond meant. And not only that; it would last forever! Does this sound familiar to you?
It never occurred to us then, as it may or may not to you right now, that some kind of relationship insurance coverage against future trouble or disconnection would be needed. And of course we didn't have any insurance.
What was the result for us? We were for a long time at risk for all kinds of relationship damage. And we suffered plenty of losses, not catastrophic in our case but still losses, periodic disappointing losses of connection, intimacy, safety, fun, and pleasure.
Perhaps you're reading this and thinking, "Well I'm grateful that our relationship isn't like that and that we don't need insurance coverage. There's no real conflict between us. Our relationship is good. Hardly any of that applies to us."
If that's the gist of your response, we would just gently (maybe not so gently) ask, "Have you ever sat down with your partner and had a full discussion about the relative health of your relationship and any risk symptoms or conditions that may actually exist between you and stand to put your relationship in further future jeopardy?"
If you have not, we invite you to wonder why not. Is it not an important conversation to have together? Are you thinking that conflict is bad and thus to be avoided at all costs? Are there some unspoken silent understandings or assumptions or blocks which keep such a discussion off limits? Is this not safe territory for you? Is something that needs to happen being withheld? Is it something you've meant to discuss but just keep putting off?
First of all, if you've been thinking that conflict is bad: Conflict in your relationship is natural and necessary in order for growth to happen. There will always be issues and differences in your relationship. These are the path to your psychological growth and spiritual evolution. The question is really how you deal with conflict, what tools or processes you use to turn the conflicts into growth opportunities so as to insure your relationship for the future. Seen this way, having a "relationship assessment conversation" is one of the best things you and your partner can do!
So if this article has nudged you toward having such a conversation about the status of your relationship, here's a check list of risk factors to help you make a systematic assessment. We recommend that each of you look at the list separately, giving each item a yes-maybe-no answer, and then sharing your answers with each other.
- Denial that problems or flaws exist
- Blame and criticism
- Defensive reactions
- Not making time for your relationship
- Ignorance of the hidden dynamics between you
- Ignorance of relationship management basics
- Lack of tools to break negative communication cycles
- Inability to speak and listen effectively
- Longstanding frustrations both big and small
- Core scenes that keep getting repeated
- Little issues that don't get resolved and become bigger ones
- Boredom and disinterest
- Lack of vision for the future
- Lack of daily preventive maintenance
- Failure to notice and appreciate
Interpretation of the results is of course subjective, but if even one or two of these items seem troublesome to you, or if you find yourselves getting stuck just doing the assessment, please know the good news:
Comprehensive low-cost relationship insurance is available. (No physical exam required!)
It's in the form of the package of information, perspectives, tools and processes that comprise the work we do, the work we have done for ourselves for nearly 15 years now, and is available through our Getting the Love You Want Couples Weekend workshop (next workshop November 30-December 2 in Lebanon, New Jersey) and other events and coaching packages. Learning both the skill and art of listening, of appreciation, in fact of all communication - that is the insurance policy all couples need to have to insure a partnership that is for life! Don't get caught uninsured. It could be very costly to you.
Telephone Counseling Now Available.
you are Getting the Love You Want© workshop graduates who know the basics, but really feel the need for help in taking your dialogue skills and hence your relationship to the next level, then seriously consider one of our two post-workshop coaching packages offered by Betsy: the VIP Total Support 6 session coaching package and the Stay-on-Track 3 session package. These are semi-weekly face-to-face or telephone coaching sessions with Betsy. You can learn more at:
For more detail visit our website here
A special message from Betsy about telephone coaching sessions, and why they work!
After a workshop, we often hear couples say to us, "Can we take you home with us? Can't we just borrow you for a weekend like they do on Supernanny?"
Well, in a way phone coaching sessions can do just that.
Consider this: In a telephone session I am in your house (or wherever you choose). The only thing you don't have is my bodily presence but in a way that is a benefit, because now you have to concentrate on your partner and that is what this work is all about. It is not about your relationship with me. It's about you and your partner.
At the same time I am also in my home and you have my full attention even if you can't see me. One thing I can do more of when I'm on phone is take copious notes as I listen to you. (I do not take notes in our office sessions because I think that would be very distracting.). And actually, because I can't see you, my listening skills are heightened and incredibly sharper. I can read much of your body language by listening to the tone and sounds of your voice.
Other benefits include not having to go outside, especially if the weather is bad and driving is hazardous or traffic is bad and parking hard to find. You can remain in your own environment, in the place where your relationship lives. And because you do not have to spend critical time traveling, you probably will have more flexibility in setting up appointment times. (I certainly have more flexibility with time, including the early morning hours). And of course there is no dress code. You can wear whatever is most comfortable for you, even your pj's!
So If you live at a distance, were not referred to us originally by another Imago therapist, and have no other follow-up options, then consider what I offer. You can still find support to continue the work that you began in the workshop.
For a free 20 minute strategy session with Betsy, please call 908-387-8270 or email her at betsy@betsyandbruce.com.