Welcome to our new semi-weekly newsletter format!  We've been at work getting help and redesigning both the layout and the content and are very excited to be sharing critical information and fresh perspectives on relationships, as well as news about our services and resources. We have 51 years of being "in the business", so to speak (that's how long we've been married). During the last 13 we have been actively using the concepts and processes we teach to others. With the life-changing results we have found for ourselves, we are more motivated than ever to share our passion and enthusiasm for these skills and processes  with others. When some of our contemporaries ask us about retirement, we realize that we just can't even think about it! Besides, we know from many readers, clients, and workshop participants such as you that there is a current culture-wide crisis in relationships, albeit often silent.  And it really does cry out for all the powerful and relevant resources that we bring to our work. Our feature article this issue is entitled "Making Your Relationship a Priority". Do make it your personal priority to read it.

With best wishes for your relationship and your commitment to its growth!

Making Your Relationship a Priority

(homework assignment included!)

So what's one of many complaints we hear from couples who feel as if their  relationship has gone stale? We're talking about couples who "get along OK", and have a clear commitment to the relationship, but feel like the passion, emotional intensity, excitement is gone, just disappeared.   This assignment is for those couples who want that excitement back but don't know how to get it and feel disappointed and confused.  They can't seem to get to that level of connection and intimacy and they tend to lay blame with statements like:

·          "We just don't have anything to talk about."

·         "We've tried lots of things but nothing seems to stick". ·         "My husband doesn't feel anything"  "or my wife is too emotional "·         "We are unhappy in our jobs."

·         "We don't have enough money."

Though we do hear these and they are often a part of the puzzle, actually by far the most common response is (the envelope please): "We're too busy to find time together".  So just what are they "too busy" about? The list usually includes  things like, children, working late or overtime,  commuting,  shopping,  housework , yard work,  projects in the house, coaching little League or soccer, entertaining  friends and family,  talking on the phone,  club memberships, church,  boards,  volunteering,  TV,  computer, hobbies,  gym workouts  and many more.For these couples - and we guess there are tens of millions of them out there - life is just too full of other priorities. They're booked in wall-to-wall every day. Or if not, there just never seems to be a "good time" that works for both of them.  And if there is time, it's usually a couple of minutes on the run, or else they're just too tired from tending to all the above.  So much of life is just maintenance and they've silently accepted that they just have to get used to it. Sound familiar? Is it any wonder that the days and weeks just seem to keep slipping away?So isn't this a strange situation? Down deep couples crave a better relationship - in fact if you ask, you hear that's it's the most important dimension in their lives - completely central -  but there's no time to tend to it or grow it!  And they have a long list of reasons why it's not possible! So what do we say to these couples ?  We say: We know . We understand.  We know how hard it is to break into this cycle. We live our lives in this culture too. We have been there (in fact were there for many years and still feel the occasional pull).  But we also say most emphatically that you do have a choice about how to view this situation. Sure you can go on viewing it as "that's just the way it is", in effect stuffing your dissatisfaction and in the process dimming your vision of your future together. That's an option.  Or you can choose to say "We've had enough. We didn't enter into this x years ago with the idea that this would be all there is. We want it back and we are ready to start making our relationship a priority. Like the old piece of conventional wisdom that the best way to build wealth is to "pay yourself first" with your paycheck, we say "pay yourself first" in your schedule book.  Put " time to connect with each other - just us - "in a prominent and frequent place in your schedule book or palm pilot. How about you? If you are reading this and saying: "Wow, that's easy to say but even this is giant step for us in reclaiming their importance to one another. Just simply making a date - whether it's to do something fun or even outrageous together , or just  communicate in a focused and undistracted way - that feels  awkward and is going to bring up a "lot of stuff". Well,  if it does, we say, "Great! Now you have an opportunity to really address it and grow together. You'll be surprised where it can take you."So here's a place to start. Get out your appointment books, and make a 30 minute (minimum) no-interruption appointment with your partner (yes that's right, an appointment  - otherwise it probably won't happen!), then sit down together, and do the following:

1.     each write down a separate list of all the things you do on a typical day. You can use the list of "too busy" items above as a prompt.

2.     taking turns, read your complete list to one another (we recommend no interruptions, comments, or questions)3.     again taking turns, tell each other one or more items on your list that you are willing to give up or reduce in time in order to replace it with a regular time (daily preferable) you can commit to spend with your partner.

4.     Then use this time together to create more and better quality to your relationship.  Plan special dates (remember them?)  take turns reminiscing pleasant memories, play a game, appreciate what you love about each other, set a big future goal together, keep congratulating each other for making your relationship a priority.

If you gotten this far, congratulations! You're on your way.  But you may find It's not that easy. Please know that if you find yourself stuck as you seek to follow the steps above, we are ready to help. There is much to learn about relationships for couples in all stages. Please note our workshop and coaching programs below.

Weekend Couples Workshop

Are you finding yourself stuck in communicating with each other? Has your relationship simply gone stale? Are you in real crisis and wondering if your relationship can continue? Are you just beginning a relationship and wanting to get off to a great start (or keep from repeating past mistakes)? If your answer to any of the above is yes, and you have not yet attended this 20 hour workshop, please know that it is the perfect place to learn how to deal with the conflict that all relationships (at least all the ones we have ever known about) experience at some point. Based on the landmark book of the same name by Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt  www.gettingtheloveyouwant.com, this workshop concentrates not on " resolving your issues" but rather on laying the foundation for new connection and passion.  It's about giving you new perspective, new information, and new processes for dealing with  "issues" and making pivotal decisions from a more conscious place.

 

New! Coaching Packages for: Getting the Love You Want©

Workshop Graduates

 

If you are workshop graduates who are well aware of the basics, but really want to take your relationship to  the next level, you may want to consider one of our two post-workshop coaching packages, the VIP Total Support 10 session coaching package and the Stay-on-Track 6 session package. These are semi-weekly face-to-face or telephone coaching sessions with Betsy.With the VIP Program, through Betsy's total support and repeated practice, you learn to master the tools taught at the workshop, to turn your conflicts into opportunities for growth, and to build the future you vision for yourselves into a living reality. You can become true relationship experts. This package includes:

• Ten 90-minute office or phone sessions every other week for 20 weeks at a discounted rate Unlimited phone calls between sessions for 15 minutes or less Unlimited e-mails Option to repeat the full workshop anytime at current half price
• Recorded CD of each session

With the Stay-on-Track Program you will further systematically cement your ability to use the workshop toolkit of specific, versatile, caring processes on a regular and consistent basis. In the process you will deepen your passion and commitment for each other and your relationship. This package includes:

·         Six 90-minute phone or office sessions every other week for 12 weeks at a discounted rate

·         Unlimited email communication between sessions

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To sign up or learn more, please contact us at betsy@betsyandbruce.com.